


The Bitter Suite: The Bond

by Laure Alexander (ladyoneill)



Series: The Erotic Adventures of Willow and Spike [26]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Light Dom/sub, Minor Violence, Prophetic Dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-30
Updated: 2012-04-30
Packaged: 2017-11-04 15:19:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/395290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyoneill/pseuds/Laure%20Alexander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Willow has a bad dream and it brings back a dim memory.  She goes to the library to research and Giles finds her.  Together they figure it out.  There's a bond between Willow and Spike and it may very well destroy her.  She confronts Spike and that does not go well at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bitter Suite: The Bond

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published December 28, 1998 through January 5, 1999 in four parts, it was the first section to be given a subheading--I went back and retitled the previous chapters. The story didn't seem to want to end at this point and I felt it necessary to break it into larger sections. Willow begins to have possibly prophetic dreams that will continue to play a role throughout the series. Also, I have admitted before and will do so here that I got damn lucky. The bond wasn't planned. In "Last Dance", when Spike fed on Willow and she orgasmed from the bite and not sex, that was pure happenstance. Lucky me it led to the big, big plot point of the whole series. This chapter is PG; the whole series not so much.

Willow dreamed. She saw herself cowering, naked in the corner of a stone room. It was cold, bitterly cold, but her other self didn't seem to feel it. She was rocking, her arms wrapped around her knees, and she was singing very softly, something about worms and bones.

Willow shuddered as she watched herself picking at scabs on her neck. Her body was covered with bite wounds-- some nearly healed, some only hours old.

Her other self looked up, staring blankly, and Willow gasped. Her hair was white in places and her face was lined. Her breasts sagged and hung on a nearly skeletal frame.

She was old.

Suddenly their eyes met and the older Willow spoke through chapped lips, her voice raspy from disuse. "Don't let him do this to us."

A door opened and Spike stepped into the room. He looked the same as he always did--young and strong and incredibly sexy.

The other Willow shrieked and cowered, scrabbling at the stone wall beside her as if she could escape.

Spike ignored the crone, turning to the young Willow. He frowned and shook his head. "All you had to do was give yourself to me." Turning from her, he reached for the cowering Willow with one hand and began to unfasten his jeans with the other.

Willow screamed along with her older self.

Thankfully the scream was muffled in her pillow so she didn't disturb her parents. Shaking from head to foot, Willow sat up and felt nausea roll through her. As the images of her dream came back to her, she bolted for the bathroom.

Fifteen minutes later she emerged, wan and wasted looking, her hair pulled back in a limp pony tail. It was barely dawn, but she knew further sleep would be impossible. She was too afraid that she would return to that horrible dream.

She didn't even want to examine it.

Pulling some clothes out of her closet, she dressed haphazardly, grabbed her bookbag and slipped out the French doors. Her parents were used to her leaving for school early, so they wouldn't worry.

She needed to get to the library and she prayed Giles had slept at home for once.

*****

Luck was with her. The library was empty. She let herself in with the illicit keys Giles had made for all of them, then dumped her bookbag next to her computer. All the way to the library she had racked her brain for the name of the book in which she had read about some kind of sexual bond between vampires and humans.

She could picture the conversation about the book. It had come to her as she hurried across Main Street.

She had been in the library, going through yet another musty book. Buffy had been with her and they had been giggling, looking furtive.

The book had been on sexual practices of vampires. One particular thing had jumped out at her because she had made some comment to Buffy about it.

About not letting Angel drink from her while they made love.

And Buffy had asked why, before moaning about how far away from actually making love they were.

Willow had stopped in the middle of the street, a stricken look crossing her face, as the words of the book seemed to materialize in front of her.

'If a male vampire drinks from a mortal woman while in the act of sexual intercourse, the mortal is bound to the vampire by emotional and physical ties.'

There was more, but Willow couldn't remember it. Buffy had giggled and sworn to keep Angel away from her neck whenever they finally got around to reaching the throws of passion.

It had been funny then. It wasn't funny anymore.

If only she could remember the name of the damn book.

She had a vague memory of finding the book lying out, left behind after Jenny had been in the library. It had contained several X-rated pictures, so Willow figured Giles didn't have it shelved in the stacks.

Finding the key to the cage, she opened it and stepped inside. All of Giles' most important, most deadly, and most suggestive books were kept locked away.

*****

First bell rang and Willow slammed the last book shut in frustration. It wasn't there. Cursing under her breath, she turned and found Giles staring at her, just standing outside the cage, arms crossed over his chest.

"Willow."

"Um...Giles..."

His eyes narrowed and he stepped closer, suddenly concerned. "What happened to your face? Dear lord, those are finger shaped bruises."

Willow flushed. She had tried to cover the bruises with makeup, but she had never been very skillful at that sort of thing. "Um...vampires."

He gave her a puzzled look and she slipped past him, heading for her bookbag, praying he'd drop it. "Buffy said that she had two uneventful nights of slaying. Were you not with her? You know how dangerous it is to walk at night without the Slayer."

"Giles...please." Her back to him, she bit her lip, tears suddenly burning her eyes again. "I...I have to get to class." She grabbed her bookbag and turned, only to have Buffy bounce in the door.

"Hey, Giles. Hey, Will," she said in a softer voice, then her eyes narrowed too, then turned to ice. "He is so dead." In full slayer mode, she stormed past Giles into the cage and grabbed an ax.

Willow's eyes widened in horror as she realized what Buffy had planned and in the fact that Giles was standing there, looking from one girl to the other, very baffled. As Buffy crossed back towards the door, Willow grabbed her, trying to pull the ax out of her hands. "No, please."

Buffy easily pulled away from her friend. "Willow, I'm going to chop of his head and find great satisfaction in watching him dust."

Tears streamed down Willow's face and she wrung her hands, shaking her head wildly.

"Who?" Giles asked. "Angel? Did Angel attack you, Willow?"

Suddenly, as if just realizing that Giles was in on this conversation, Buffy paled and the ax clattered to the floor. "Oh God, Willow." Panic filled Buffy's eyes as she realized how close to spilling their secrets she had come. She grabbed Willow's wrist and began to tug her towards the door. "Oops, we're going to be late to class. Sorry, Giles, no time."

Giles cut them off, the expression on his face one of his sternest. Willow pulled away from Buffy, wincing at the soreness in her hand from the violence of the night before. Absently she noticed that her fingers were bruised.

"I wasn't planning to go to class, Buffy. I need to... research." Willow's shoulders slumped in defeat. She had looked everywhere she could think, even spending time in the early hours of the morning on the Internet. She was down to only one option.

He stood blocking the door, giving them both concerned but not happy looks.

Buffy flashed her a helpless look and managed to slip past Giles. He let her go. Willow figured it was because he knew he could get the answers from her better than from Buffy.

Turning, defeated, and not having any clue where to start, Willow found her way back to the table and slumped in a chair.

"Would you like some tea, Willow?"

"Yes please," she answered in a dull voice, her eyes staring blankly across the room.

She was still staring, totally dazed, when Giles emerged from his office with two cups of tea. He set them on the table, then went and put the 'closed for shelving' sign on the door, before taking a seat across from Willow. He picked up his cup and took a sip, then gave her a compassionate look.

Willow hated it. It was the worst look he could have given her. Great big sobs broke from deep in her chest and huge tears welled from her eyes. Her chin fell to her heaving chest and she wrapped her arms around herself.

Giles let her cry, hoping it would help. After about five minutes, she began to calm down, the sobs turning to sniffles and whimpers. Wiping her eyes, she raised her head and looked at him with such empty eyes.

"I don't know where to start," she whimpered. Gently, he touched her cheek with one finger, just below the bruise. "Who did this?" he asked softly.

"...Spike."

It was clearly not the answer he expected.

*****

"Sp..Spike?" Giles stammered. "But...how? He hasn't been heard from in months and the last thing anyone knew, he was paralyzed and in a wheelchair."

Willow's eyes fell to the table and she picked up her tea, sipping so as to avoid answering right away. She didn't even know where to start.

"You're lucky that you got away from him with only a bruise," Giles said gently.

Willow sighed and set her cup back down, then clasped her hands together in her lap. The middle finger of her left hand still stung and she wondered if Spike had cracked a bone when he had knocked the phone from her hand.

"Willow?"

Sighing again, Willow closed her eyes briefly then opened them, along with her trembling lips. "It wasn't like that."

"Hm?"

"I wasn't out walking. Spike didn't try to capture me or kill me or..." Her voice died away and embarrassment reddened her face. This had to be worse than confession. "I don't want to say this, Giles," she whispered.

"If it's about Spike, one of the deadliest vampires Buffy has faced, I need to know everything, Willow."

Giles wasn't going to let this go. Willow's fingers tightened and she winced, then nibbled on her lip. Finally, she began to speak in a low, dull voice. "I never meant for you to find out. I never meant for anything to happen. I never meant a lot of things. I've been living night to night and trying not to think. It seemed for the best...at the time."

As if he knew this was going to be long and painful, Giles remained silent, waiting for her to continue.

"About three months ago, I was here researching and you went off to find Buffy. The next thing I knew, I was being dumped on a bed...Spike's bed."

Giles drew in his breath, but continued to remain silent. Willow continued to stare at her hands in her lap.

"He...he...we...oh God." She turned bright red and wanted to curl into a ball, but forced herself to spit the words out. "We had sex."

Clearly stunned, Giles could only gasp and stare at her bent head. "Willow?" He desperately tried to convince himself that he had misunderstood her. Her next words shattered that.

"It wasn't rape. He didn't give me a choice, but he didn't hurt me either. It was...wonderful."

"Willow, I'm so sorry. I worried that your association with Buffy would cause your...death, but never this. You must have been so frightened." Giles stammered, his tongue twisting as he pictured her and Spike. He then tried to thrust the image from his mind, totally shocked.

"He let me go, obviously," she continued, wanting it all out so they could get to what was really important. "But, I couldn't stop thinking about him, about that night. A week went by and I wasn't sleeping very well. I left the house and started wandering. I knew it was stupid, but a part of me really didn't care. I ended up in the park...and there he was."

Taking a shaky breath, Willow peeked under her lashes at Giles and saw him staring at her, puzzlement, concern, horror on his face. She looked back down again, feeling the too familiar tears prickling the corners of her eyes. "We've been seeing each other ever since," she said baldly.

"What?"

Willow cringed at his bellow of shock and wrapped her arms around herself. "Please don't be mad," she begged softly, a solitary tear running down one cheek.

"Why, Willow? Why would you do this? The danger, the risk, the...he is a demon."

As his words made her feel worse, Willow resorted to anger, not her usual fall back, but then nothing had been normal recently. "I'm not a child. You don't have to tell me any of that."

Their eyes met and in hers Giles saw the strength and will he had seen before, along with something else. Maturity. She was no longer a child. He flushed slightly and rubbed his hands over his face, numb and confused.

"Where did I fail you?" he whispered.

"No...Don't say that. Don't blame yourself. You warned us all, taught us how to protect ourselves...You just never told us that demons could be so loving, so sweet." She broke off with a sob and gasped for breath against the surge of emotions.

Giles look turned sad and he stared at her, for the first time seeing her as a woman. A woman in a lot of pain. "Has he hit you before?"

She shook her head, not wanting to go into the details of her sex life with a man she thought of as a substitute father. She knew what he meant and she knew there was a lot of difference between the spankings and being slapped in anger.

Suddenly Giles recalled Buffy's reaction to the bruise and he sighed in disappointment. "Buffy knows, doesn't she?"

"Yes. She found us together and tried to stake him, but I wouldn't let her. I finally convinced her that he wouldn't hurt me."

"I don't believe she kept this from me," he muttered, almost to himself.

"Giles...I'm sorry."

He straightened in his chair, a cool mask covering his face as he looked at her and she flinched back, dropping her eyes. "What are you sorry for, Willow? Having an intimate relationship with a demon who has tried to kill Buffy?"

"No...he's...changed." As Willow said the words, she knew she longer wholly believed them. "I'm sorry for disappointing you and hurting you, but I care...cared for him and I believed he loved me," she explained slowly.

"Oh Willow," Giles sighed. "That's one of the oldest lines..."

She began to cry again, rocking slightly in her chair, tears dripping onto the table. "I know. Oh God, I know." It all began to spill from her in a pain-laden rush. "I found him with Drusilla, naked, the other night and then I saw him hunting and killing, and I've denied that for so long, refused to even think about it. I don't know what's worse, the infidelity or the killing. I just...I just don't want to talk to him or see him or think about him or love him. Oh, please, I don't want to love him." Her voice cracked as she sobbed and rocked her slight body harder in the chair.

"He was in my room last night when I woke up and I told him to get out but he wouldn't leave and I grabbed a cross and he hit me and he's never...I'm so scared, Giles. I don't know what to do."

Looking at her ravaged face, listening to her heart-rending sobs, Giles rounded the table to sit next to her and lift her onto his lap. Gently he tried to calm her down, stroking her shoulder and letting her cry on his.

A million thoughts and emotions ran through his mind. He couldn't help but feel that he'd failed her somehow, and he was very disappointed in both her and Buffy. He was frightened that Willow might have made a very deadly enemy. And he was concerned that she seemed to have fallen in love with him.

But, there were things he needed to know. As Willow began to calm, Giles began to sort things out in his very ordered mind.

Certainly Willow wasn't the first human woman to have been involved with a vampire. The Watcher Journals were full of such accounts. The relationships were usually brief and purely sexual on the vampire's part, although there had been instances of love actually forming.

No matter, the relationships tended to end with the vampire killing the woman.

That would happen to Willow over his own dead body.

Willow hiccuped, then swiped at her sore, damp eyes before awkwardly rising from Giles' lap and returning to her own seat. She picked up her lukewarm tea and swallowed some, trying to clear her throat.

"Willow, there are some things we need to discuss if you feel up to it." At her nod, he continued. "You've allowed him access to your house?" She nodded again. "I don't know of any way to revoke the invitation, but I shall look into it. I suggest that you hang a cross over your window."

"My father will throw a fit," she mumbled.

"Yes, well, I'm sure he'd throw quite a fit if the truth came out." She flushed and he sighed. "I'm sorry. I...I'm having trouble...accepting this."

"It's okay. Me too."

"Naturally, you don't have to worry about pregnancy or disease," Giles said, switching topics. "You do need to be concerned about both Angelus and Drusilla."

Before Giles could go into that any further, Willow interrupted him, swallowing hard. "There's something much more important I need to know. I remember reading something. It was in a book on vampires' sexual habits. It had to do with...drinking blood."

"You haven't..."

"No...not me, well, not more than a tiny bit, you know, during..." Again, Willow reddened and her breathing grew shallow. "I let him...I let him drink from me."

"Oh." Giles stared at the top of her head, then took off his glass and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I seem to recall something about this topic."

"It was...it was during...sex," she said in a small voice.

Suddenly, it came back to him and he visibly paled. "Willow?" he asked in a strangled voice. "Did you climax from the bite?"

"Why?"

"Did you?"

"...Yes."

Agitated, Giles jumped to his feet and hurried into his office. Willow was extremely bothered by his reaction and something else came back to her from the passage she had read. It wasn't just about feeding during sex...it had something to do with orgasm. Making a frustrated noise, Willow racked her brain for more of the answer, trying very hard to tamp down her fear.

Giles returned with a book. His face was shuttered again, his lips pressed tightly together. Setting the book down on the table, he took the seat across from her again and began to flip pages. Finally, he stopped and quickly read.

"Willow, this is extremely important. Are you certain that your climax came from the feeding and not from the sexual activity?"

While a part of her was stunned that he managed not to stammer over any of that, the rest of her mind went back to that night and she flushed again. Staring at the book, she forced her memories into words. "We...we had finished. He was...still inside me...still hard." She choked, but managed to continue. "I begged him to bite me and he did. As he drank...he began to move, but...I was already...it was already happening again. It was from the bite."

Terribly embarrassed, she bit her lip and waited for him to continue.

"Oh, dear lord." Turning the book around, he pushed it towards Willow, pointing to a passage. She read it aloud, slowly, trying to digest the words.

"'If a male vampire drinks from a mortal woman while in the act of sexual intercourse, the mortal is bound to the vampire by emotional and physical ties. The woman's sexual climax, if caused by the feeding and not from any other means, creates a chemical change in both the vampire and the woman. From then on, every bite will cause another climax, whether during sexual intercourse or not. The orgasm releases chemicals into the woman's bloodstream which are then fed to the vampire, temporarily making him more powerful and stronger. Thus, a bond is formed. See Lawrence Clayborne's Letters and relevant journal passages."

Looking up, Willow gave Giles a baffled look. "I don't understand. Why? Wouldn't every vampire be looking for sex rather than food?"

Giles gave her a sad look and reached across the table for her hands. "It's very rare, Willow, to find a woman who can produce the enzymes and it's possible that it has to be a specific pairing of vampire and human. It's also so rare that it's possible that many vampires have never even heard of it. There is also supposition that the initiation of the bond is the sexual intercourse, followed by the bite. Most vampires don't have the patience to have sex with all their female victims before biting."

As dread began to form in the pit of Willow's stomach, she absorbed what Giles was telling her and remembered Spike's words of the night before. "Spike said something about being bound by blood and lust until I die."

Giles nodded. "Simplistic, but accurate."

"No."

"Willow, there are a few instances recorded in the Watcher Journals, one was even about a Slayer who took a vampire lover. But, the most complete and detailed account is Clayborne's Letters. Nearly one hundred years ago, his wife took a vampire lover and the same thing happened to her. He chronicled what she went through."

"What? What happened to her?" Willow asked, needing to know, but dreading the answer.

"As I said, only about one in every ten thousand women is capable of producing the necessary enzymes, but no one knows why the bond forms. You've formed it with Spike, so no other male vampire will be able to produce the same effect in you. Clayborne's wife proved this by having relations with other males. It's also not known whether it has to be a specific vampire or if it's just the first one whose bite induces the orgasm. Although there are plenty of accounts of women and men who enjoyed being bitten and fed upon, it is not normal to reach a sexual climax."

Willow flushed at the clinical tone of his voice and slowly pulled her hands free from his. Her mind seemed to be having a hard time understanding all of this and she knew there was more...and she knew it was going to be bad.

"So what you're saying is that my body is now creating some kind of chemicals that Spike will want to make him stronger? He'll...seek me out?"

More nodding. "He won't need to have intercourse with you, although that seems to be the method that releases the greatest concentration of the enzyme."

"What aren't you saying, Giles?"

He took a deep breath and she winced at the pain in his eyes. "How long has it been since he last...fed?"

"It was only once and, just over three weeks."

Giles eyes dropped to the book and he took another deep breath, obviously not wanting to continue. "There are apparently no repercussions for the vampire...but there are for the woman. If she...if you...don't release the chemicals building inside you...they will drive you insane."

Willow gaped at him. "What?"

"You need to have regular climaxes while Spike feeds on you. It can only be him and it needs to be at least once a month." Slowly his eyes made their way back to her face and he saw the pain and horror before she collapsed, sobbing wildly.

*****

As he thumbed through possibly relevant texts, Giles' eyes kept flitting into his office where Willow slept fitfully on his sofa. She had sobbed herself to sleep--a blessing in his mind as the strain from lack of rest was showing on her in the form of dark circles under eyes and a frightening pallor. He had carried her into his office and tried to make her comfortable on the lumpy sofa.

An hour had passed while he researched. Occasionally she turned over or whimpered in her sleep. He could only imagine the dreams she was suffering.

The library door opened and Cordelia walked in, glancing around.

"Buffy told me Willow was here and...well...could use a friend," she said as she approached the table.

Giles nodded and gestured for her to keep her voice down. "She's sleeping in my office. She's...had a bit of a shock."

"Uh huh." Cordelia set down her purse.

"Do you know? About her and...Spike?"

Cordelia nodded slowly, unable to look him in the eyes. Giles sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"It's my free period. I'll just sit with her," Cordelia began, only to be interrupted by Willow crying the word 'no' in her sleep. Fear and concern crossed Cordelia's face and she hurried into the office.

Giles watched her, quite surprised at this refreshing change in Cordelia's attitude. He had never known her to be very concerned about anyone else.

Entering the dimly lit office, Cordelia saw that Willow had curled herself into a shaking ball against the high arm of the couch. Sitting down next to her friend, Cordelia pulled her gently into her arms, cradling Willow's head on her shoulder.

Murmuring, Willow snuggled against her warmth, wrapping her arm across Cordelia's chest. Sighing softly, the brunette laid her cheek on top of Willow's head.

"It will be okay, Will. We'll make it okay."

*****

Near the end of the period, Giles rose and walked towards his office. "Cordelia," he began softly as he stepped inside. "You need to get to class." His voice died off as he saw the embrace the two girls were in. In her sleep, Willow was cupping one of Cordelia's breasts as the brunette ran her hand over the other girl's back and hips.

Giles flushed as Cordelia looked up sleepily. She turned red as she realized where his eyes were focused. Quickly she brushed Willow's hand away, only to have it return just as quickly. Her fingers started twisting the nipple through the layers of blouse and bra. "Willow, stop it," Cordelia hissed.

"Yes, mistress; I'm sorry, mistress," Willow mumbled, still mostly asleep, her hand dropping away to land on Cordelia's barely covered thigh, caressing gently.

"Oh geez." Cordelia squirmed herself away from Willow, panicking a little, wondering what Giles was thinking. As she stood up, she glanced down to see Willow curled on the couch, sleeping deeply. Brushing past Giles, she hurried out into the library, heading for her purse. "Um, she seems to be sleeping better..."

"Cordelia," Giles said quietly.

She turned, eyes wild, lower lip caught between her teeth. "Yes?"

"Maybe rather than asking if you knew, I should have asked how much you're involved."

She blushed again, grabbing her purse and hugging it to her chest. "You're...you're reading too much into that, Giles."

He looked at her as he took out his wallet and opened it, flipping through the plastic insert. Pulling out a card, he handed it to her. "It's expensive to join, but they don't ask questions and they don't have age requirements."

The card read 'Dashwoods' and had an address in the business district and a telephone number.

"What is it?"

"A very exclusive club for people with...special needs."

Cordelia continued to redden as she got his meaning, but she slipped the card into her purse. "Giles..."

"Go to class, Cordelia."

She ran through the library doors. Shaking his head, still stunned by the unspoken yet obvious truth of the relationship between the hacker and the cheerleader--and wondering why he had never before seen Cordelia in the role of dominatrix--Giles returned to his research.

*****

Willow woke suddenly, sitting up. Disoriented, she let her eyes flash around the small room, then her memories returned. She blinked away the ever present tears, then swallowed hard. Slight nausea rolled through her and her head pounded, but she couldn't just sit there. She needed to do something, anything.

And there were still so many unanswered questions.

Slowly she rose to her feet and padded out of the office. A glance at the clock on the library wall showed her that it was just past two. Giles sat at the table, flipping through books.

He looked up as Willow approached. "Do you feel any better?"

"Not particularly." She sat down across from him, sighing deeply and rubbing her temples. "I've really fucked up my life."

Giles stared at the formerly meek and unassuming redhead. "Um...you could say that."

Realizing what she had said, Willow had the grace to flush slightly, then changed the topic. "Let me make sure I've got all this straight. I have to have to sex with Spike once a month, or at least let him feed from me, or I'll go insane. How do we know this?"

Giles took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, then pushed the heavy book aside and replaced the glasses. Leaning forward slightly, he looked at her intently. "Earlier I mentioned a Slayer who had gone through the same thing. It was in the sixteenth century and she was a renegade. She went to the other side, so to speak, taking her Watcher with her as a servant. The woman continued to record what her Slayer experienced, but the scientific knowledge to facilitate true understanding of this bond did not exist at that time."

He picked up small leather book and opened it to a book marked passage. "This is her last journal. 'My girl's lover has been gone for six weeks. He has never been away longer than three. She is suffering poorly. Her mood changes like the wind. She says that she can feel things under her skin, clawing at her. I look and see nothing. She is feverish and has begun to rave about demons and blood. Earlier today I found her trying to cut her arms to release the demons. I have locked her in her chamber.'"

Giles glanced up and saw that Willow was pale, but listening. "This is the last entry. 'I buried my girl today. Her lover returned, after ten weeks away, to find me digging her grave. He was saddened at her death, but he has already chosen a new lover from the village. I told him that his absence drove her mad, but he scoffed. Nothing had happened to him, after all. I told him that she had gone insane, slowly, missing him. That she claimed demons were in her blood. That they finally drove her to take her own life, leaping from her window in the tower. She had been catatonic for three days before and my guard had lapsed.'"

"'I do not know what caused her condition. I believe he had something to do with it. I recall my girl telling me of their first time, how she had reached fulfillment from his bite alone. I pondered this often, as I have never heard of such a thing. So, I record it here. I leave for London tomorrow and I pray that the next Slayer is stronger than my girl.'"

As Giles set the book aside, Willow took a deep breath. "Okay, that's one account."

"There are others," Giles said gently. "About a half dozen in the Watcher Journals over the years and then Clayborne's Letters. He watched his wife go insane after her lover was killed. He...experimented on her. He had her take other vampires to her bed. He tested her blood. He noted the progression of her insanity. His work was very detailed. I think you should read it, Willow."

Hesitantly she took the book he handed her, too stunned to even cry anymore. "If Spike...dies...So, my options are..."

Giles gave her a sympathetic look and answered her gently. "To let him have you...and pray that he doesn't tire of you...or get killed. I'm sorry, Willow."

"There's no cure?" she asked dully.

He shook his head. "Although, of course, I shall strive to find one."

Willow shook her head this time, rising to her feet, the book clutched in her nearly bloodless hand. "No...You mustn't take time away from your work with Buffy. I...made my own bed. I'll have to deal." She reached for her book bag and put the book inside.

"Willow."

"Could you tell Buffy I've gone home and I really need to talk to her?"

"Of course. And, Cordelia?"

Willow gave him a puzzled look, then remembered a snippet of one of the few nice dreams she had earlier. "Was she here?"

"During her free period."

"Yeah...I'd like to see her, too."

They looked at each other for another moment, then Willow left the library. Giles watched her leave, having no idea what to say to her to try to comfort her. All he could see was her death looming in the not so distant future.

As depression settled over him, he headed for his office and the phone. Perhaps a few discreet queries to other Watchers...

*****

Willow walked home in a daze, not thinking, not really seeing anything. Her mind focused on her goal--home. Once she got there, to the safety of her room, she stared at her bed, clueless as to what to do next.

Sinking slowly down the closed door, she sat, knees drawn up to her chin, dry eyed and strangely calm. Her logical mind began to examine the facts, filtering out the emotions, until she began to look at possible solutions, possible futures.

None of them were at all promising.

*****

Her mind peacefully blank, Willow walked down the path towards the front door of the mansion. It had taken her nearly 2 hours to walk from one side of town to the other and sunset was only a couple hours away. She pushed open the front door, not even wondering why it was unlocked, and walked unerringly down the hall.

Opening the door to Spike's room, she saw him asleep, wearing the clothes from the night before. Curled against his chest lay Drusilla in a torn nightgown. Dispassionately, Willow looked at the whip marks that shown vividly on her pale skin.

Softly closing the door behind her, she took the stake from her pocket and walked towards the bed.

Standing over Spike, she ran her eyes over his still body, as if memorizing his beauty. Raising the stake over her head, she closed her eyes briefly, then opened them, knowing she had to see to aim. Willow brought the stake down swiftly, but at the last moment her eyes closed in denial.

She felt the wood penetrate flesh, heard the deep cry of pain, and stumbled back, horror at her actions filling her. Her eyes flew open in panic and she looked at Spike.

Relief flooded her, almost nauseating her with its intensity. He was sitting up, swaying drunkenly, clawing at the stake in his shoulder. Hissing in fury and pain, he pulled it free and flung it across the room. Demonic eyes captured her cowering against the door.

Sanity flooded Willow and she went white. She had tried to kill him. Oh God...

Growling, Spike shoved the still sleeping Drusilla off of him and rose from the bed. A hand went to the bleeding wound and he sneered, still vamped out. "A little off, lover."

Willow shook her head wildly, her hand trying to find the door knob. She couldn't really remember how she had gotten here. She had been sitting on the floor of her room, trying to come up with a way out of this, flipping through the book Giles had given her...and then her mind had gone numb.

She had tried to kill him. And if he died...

The reality sank in and Willow dropped to the floor, unconscious.

"Shit..." Spike muttered. Glancing back at Drusilla and noting that she was still asleep, he scooped Willow into his arms and carried her out of his room and into the library. The heavy curtains were pulled against the sun and he lowered her onto the leather sofa then turned on a lamp.

"Wake up," he said, none too gently as his shoulder throbbed in pain. Examining the healing wound he realized that about half an inch farther in would have killed him. Growling in anger, he shook Willow's shoulder.

She woke, whimpering. Her eyes fluttered open and she saw Spike leaning over her, clutching his shoulder. His hand was covered in blood. Terrified, she scrambled back, into a sitting position.

Seeing her cower, Spike scowled and forced his demon down. Snagging a chair, he sat in front of her, listening to her breathy pants and her pounding heart.

"Want to tell me why I shouldn't rip your throat out?"

At his harsh words, Willow whimpered even more and wrapped herself into a ball in the corner of the high backed couch.

Realizing that terrifying her even more wasn't the answer, Spike sighed and wiped his bloody hand on the ruined shirt, then crossed one leg over the other. "Okay, why did you try to kill me? Are you that pissed off about Dru?"

Slowly Willow shook her head, her eyes darting around the room looking for a way out.

"Are you ready to talk to me?"

Again, she shook her head. Tears sparkled in the corners of her eyes. All she wanted to do was go home.

"So, why the stake, Willow? How have we come to that point?" he asked softly, leaning forward slightly.

"It's all gone so wrong," she whispered bitterly. "It was supposed to be fun. Illicit sex, a few laughs, good times."

"It can go back to that, Willow, if you'll just let me explain about Dru."

"We can never go back," she laughed harshly. "It was more than Drusilla, more than your betrayal. I saw you that night. I saw you killing. You enjoyed it so much." The words tore from her, harsh, bitter, as cold as ice.

Spike flinched and forced himself to stay calm. "It's what I do, Willow, who I am. Maybe you should have dealt with that a little sooner than now."

A harsh sob broke from her and she rocked slightly. "You never brought it up and it was so much easier just to deny the truth."

"It always is," he responded coldly. "So, is this it? You don't want to see me anymore because I'm a killer?"

Willow just stared at him, her stomach churning at the coldness in his voice, the ice glittering in his eyes. "I don't want to talk about this. I want to go home." Forcing herself to move, she pushed herself off the couch and edged around him.

Spike caught her, turning her and shoving her against the door. "It isn't over, luv," he hissed into her frightened face. "I won't let you end it like this. I love you, whether you want to believe that or not. If you don't want to talk rationally about it now, fine, but if you try to kill me again...well, you won't like the consequences."

"I hate you," she whimpered through nearly blue lips, barely breathing from fear.

"Tough shit." Letting her go, Spike stepped back, trying very hard to keep his anger under control.

Too panicked to move, Willow stared blindly at him. He was angry. What right did he have to be angry? He had ruined her life.

"Did you know?" she suddenly asked through tight lips. "Did you know about the consequences when you fed on me?"

"What?"

"DID YOU?"

Spike clapped a hand across her mouth, again pinning her to the door as he listened to see if anyone had awakened at her yelling. When he was satisfied that all the occupants of the mansion still slept, he looked down into her wild eyes and took his hand away. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Blood and lust," Willow hissed.

His brows furrowed as he remembered the research he had planned for the night. "There's something. I don't remember anything but vague bits of legends, rumors."

"Read Clayborne's Letters," she snapped bitterly, shoving him away. "Find out how you've ruined my life." Yanking open the door, she fled before he could stop her, running into the dying sunshine.

Baffled, Spike watched her leave and slam the front door behind herself. Somewhere in the depths of his memory he knew the truth was hidden. He had known when he had fed on her...and...she had climaxed. There was something ...something about a bond. He had known that much last night. A bond of blood and lust and...her death if he died.

If that was true, if he died that she would follow, and she knew that, why on Earth had she tried to kill him?

A part of him still couldn't believe she had done that.

Sadly, Spike turned from the door and looked at the laden bookshelves. Clayborne's Letters. Well, if it had anything to do with vampires, it would surely be here. Going to his room to retrieve his hated wheelchair, Spike positioned it in front of the first bookcase, and began to search.

*****

Willow reached home just as the sun was setting, exhausted, emotionally drained, her heart thudding heavily in her chest. The confrontation had left her feeling even more empty. Nothing had been resolved. She hadn't been ready to face him, to talk to him.

Spike had wanted to discuss Drusilla and the fact that he was a killer. That was so unimportant right now. Was he telling the truth? Did he really not know about the bond? Willow desperately wanted to believe him, to believe that he hadn't been manipulating her the whole time, but she couldn't trust him anymore.

Tiredly she pushed open the door to her room and found Buffy and Cordelia sitting on the bed, reading Clayborne's Letters. Vaguely, Willow remembered removing it from her bag and glancing at it before everything had gone blank.

Both girls jumped to their feet and moved to embrace her. Willow sagged against them, letting them draw her back to the bed.

"Will...we know. Giles told us and we've been reading about it," Buffy said gently, sitting next to Willow and brushing the hair from her face.

"We've been so worried about you," Cordelia said, pulling the desk chair over to the bed and sitting in front of the other two girls. "We were about to go search for you."

"Where have you been, Will?"

Slowly, haltingly, Willow recounted her encounter with Spike.

"Why...why did you try to kill him?" Buffy asked, shocked. "Giles said..."

"I know," Willow answered tiredly. "I don't know. I just...freaked out."

"Thank God you failed," Cordelia said, gently touching the back of Willow's shaking hand.

Willow gave a shaky laugh, then burst into a fresh round of tears. Sobbing wildly, she collapsed onto the bed, curling into a ball.

Both Buffy and Cordelia stared at her, neither knowing what to do or say to make this right.

*****

End Bitter Suite: The Bond


End file.
